Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Take Your Wife Hunting...Really?

I have written about the trials and tribulations of fishing with my wife; about all the work and preparation that goes into such a trip, only to spend all my time tying on new hooks, untangling poles and pulling fishing line out of the trees where she is always trying to catch those flying fish.

 I apologize. I’ll never complain again.

 I realize that she just wanted to spend time with me. There are some men who spend more time with their fishing and hunting buddies than they do with their families and sooner or later they will suffer for it.

My ol’ pal Terence is such a fellow. He’s an avid hunter and fisherman. During the hunting season, he spends every spare moment in the woods. Last year, I guess his wife got more than a little tired of it. When deer season first opened last fall, he jumped up ready to bag his first deer. When he walked into the kitchen that morning, he found the coffee already brewing and his wife sitting at the table, working on her second cup. He was more than a little surprised by this because she liked to sleep late but he was even more surprised to find that she was dressed in camouflage from head to toe.

“What are you up to?” he asked her.

She smiled and informed him that she was going hunting with him. After a fifteen minute debate over her lack of ability as a huntress and sportswoman, he realized that he was never going to make it to the woods by sunrise if he didn’t agree to take her along.

By the time she got through putting on her eyeshadow and packing her purse with essentials like hand cream, lip gloss and low-carb candy bars, it was almost daylight. When they got to the woods, he placed her in the deer stand closest to the road. “Now if you see a deer, take your time, aim carefully and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear your shot.”

Terence headed deeper into the woods and figured he’d have several hours of undisturbed hunting because he knew she would have trouble hitting the broad side of a barn much less a moving animal. But as he started to climb into his own tree stand, he heard a shot; then several more and he decided he’d better go back. He returned to find his wife in a rather agitated state. “What ya shootin at?”

“Nothing,” she replied. “I just wanted to get your attention because I need help getting down. I gotta go to the bathroom!”

After that little matter was taken care of, she got back into the tree stand and she swore she wouldn’t shoot again unless there was really something to shoot at. Terence returned to his stand and was just settling in when he heard more shots. Then a few minutes later, he heard more. Grumbling, he climbed down and headed back once more through the woods. As he got closer, he heard his wife screaming, “Get away from my deer!”

He took off at a run when he heard more shots and again she’s yelling, “Get away from my deer!”  Surely a pack of coyotes or even a panther had happened upon her kill and was trying to drag it off. But he was surprised to find a young man standing near his wife’s stand with his hands in the air. The man was obviously upset as he said, “Okay, lady, okay!! You can have your deer but please let me get my saddle off it before you field dress it!”

Fellas, don’t let this happen to you. Don’t spend all your time hunting, fishing or playing golf. Make some time for activities that your wife and kids can participate in on equal footing with you; like shopping or movies or even horseback riding, (as long as it’s not during deer season.)