Saggy Pants Ordinance Might Hit a Little Too Close To Home!

I know there’s a lot of talk out there about passing a “Saggy Pants Ordinance” here in Louisville. I know other communities have done this and I certainly don’t like seeing a teenage boy grabbing at himself constantly just to keep his pants off the ground.  But for personal reasons, I have to say I am opposed to such an ordinance because it would be difficult for me to not violate said law on occasion.

I’m afraid I’ve reached that certain point in my life; a milestone of middle age that all men dread almost as much as prostate exams; a sign of the aging process that can’t be hidden with a toupee or a Botox injection.  I have finally reached the “droopy drawers” stage of my life. My pants and yes, even my underwear just won’t stay put anymore. The gravity that’s been working aggressively for years on various parts of my body has now attacked my britches.

Now a fellow might think that all this bagginess might be coming from a loss of mass in the posterior, allowing for more wiggle room in the standard pair of Khakis or jeans, but unfortunately this is not the case.  Most men my age could stand a little less baggage back there, but believe me, while this is one of the few areas you do want to shrink as you get older – it ain’t gonna!  No, the problem is coming from the other direction.

The late great Lewis Grizzard called it the “two-bellies”; a condition that men seem to suffer from as they reach their forties and beyond.  The two-bellies (TB for short) almost always appear in conjunction with droopy drawers and are most likely the cause of this sad sagging situation. If you’re not sure that you suffer from TB, let me provide some instructions for self-diagnosis because the medical profession refuses to recognize this or droopy-drawers (DD) as actual medical problems. All they’re going to do is put you on a low-fat diet and tell you to eat only those things that have the taste and texture of cardboard or Styrofoam packing peanuts.


These ailments are most obvious in the standing position. I suggest you wear a white t-shirt, your favorite pair of khakis and a standard belt. Place the waistline of your britches in the standard position and tighten the belt - one more notch than you usually do. Now, look in a full length mirror. What do you see? If there are two distinct bellies; one north of the belt and another south, you’ve got the TB’s. To further verify your condition, sit down and stand back up. Turn around and view yourself from behind. If the seat of your pants is in close proximity to the back of your knees, you are also suffering from “Droopy Drawers”.



 "HP" High Pants

 What has happened is that your waistband slipped below belly number two when you sat down. This is a design mechanism built into most trousers to keep their integrity intact and to prevent the top button from popping off with such force as to put out an eye or break a window. But by slipping below belly two, the seat is also lowered and the result is of course “DD”.

Some men try to overcome the effects of “TB” and “DD” by raising their waistline above belly number one to a point just below the neck. This is called high pants or “HP”. This actually rejoins the two bellies into one and produces a nice rounded shape in the midsection. However, it does seem to be only effective when wearing polyester pants and white socks with sandals and the general consensus of opinion is that “HP” is even less attractive than DD.

Most of us go through life after forty, adjusting and hitching up our britches and shorts every time we stand or take a few steps or when we suck in our bellies when we see a pretty girl. It’s just a fact of aging that we have to deal with; like stray hairs growing out of our foreheads at the same time our hairline is receding. There is no easy cure for “TB” and “DD”. Do a hundred sit ups a day and eat cardboard or deal with the symptoms by hitching up our pants and going about our business – or  -- switching to dresses – but most of us just don’t have the legs for that.  And as for you teenage boys out there – Pull up your britches while you still can!

W. McCully

Utility Profits- How Much is Too Much - Op Ed from PSC Brandon Presley

How much is too much?

My main responsibility as a member of the Mississippi Public Service Commission is to ensure that the people and businesses of our state have safe, reliable utility service at the lowest reasonable cost and that the public interest receives firm protection by the PSC.

The duty to the public interest requires me to balance the revenue needs of utility companies to operate with the rates customers in our state pay for utility service.  At times, the system of utility regulation gets out of balance with the scales tilting in the favor of the utilities to the detriment of the customers. We, at the PSC, have been working diligently to balance our regulatory environment over the past few years.

The PSC grants investor-owned utilities in Mississippi an opportunity to earn a profit on their investments at a rate set by the Commission.   That rate of profit is built into the charges customers pay for electricity, natural gas, some telephones, and water and wastewater services.

How much is too much?  I have become concerned that utility bills in Mississippi may be inflated because the profit rates established for electric and gas utilities are too high.  What prompted my concern was the decline in interest rates on borrowed money, a key factor in deciding a utility's rate of return.  As anyone who has refinanced a house, bought a car or shopped for a decent return on a certificate of deposit knows, interest rates are at rock-bottom levels.

The Mississippi PSC sets utility rates and profit allowances because the regulated electric and gas companies are monopolies -- they have defined territories with absolutely no competition. In fact, our state constitution clearly calls for regulation of these types of companies. These are private companies subject to state regulation.  They are financed by a combination of equity funds (stock) raised from their stockholders and debt.  The cost of their debt can be determined based on interest rates that utilities pay for short- and long-term borrowing.

The U.S. Prime Interest Rate in mid-2003 was 4 percent.  Since then it has been as high as 8.25 percent in June of 2006, but never lower than what it is now: 3.25 percent.  That means low borrowing cost for utilities, which should translate to lower rates for customers.

How much is too much?  The return on equity (or profit allowed) is more difficult to determine, and it can be one of the most controversial issues facing a utility regulator. In concept, the allowed return on equity is the return that utilities must offer to attract investors.  In recent years most regulatory commissions have allowed a return on equity of about 10 percent.  It has been as low as 6 percent in some cases and as high as 16 percent in others. Today the last approved return on equity for Entergy Mississippi was 11.63%, while Mississippi Power Company earned 10.62%/. The companies' average return, as last approved is 11.128%. I think that is too high.

In addition to being protected from competition as monopolies, utilities have seen reduced risk from hurricanes and other acts of nature thanks to a state-approved program known as “securitization.” At the same time, utilities in Mississippi use various "riders" which allow dollar for dollar recovery of certain expenditures related to storm damage, environmental compliance, energy efficiency and even certain asset purchase costs among others. Every one of these "riders," and other forms of guaranteed recovery, lower the risks utility companies face.

Understanding risk is another reason why we, as the PSC, need to ask the tough questions about utility profits. We are Commissioners, elected by the public to ask the tough questions of these companies on behalf of customers who entrust us with that duty. It is not enough to just go along with the system in place. It is high time these rates were questioned. We are doing just that.

Government-sanctioned profits of 10 to 11 percent for electric and gas utilities seem high when you consider low interest rates, the average U.S. stock risk premium, and reduced utility risk.  If utility profits are inflated, utility bills are inflated.  There is one thing that is certain, if interest rates had gone up as much as they have come down, utility companies would be lined up asking for rate increases.

How much is too much?  The Public Service Commission owes the people of Mississippi an answer to that question. I hope the recent inquiry about this topic, supported by all three Commissioners, will produce that answer and a positive result for the people of our state.

Brandon Presley represents North Mississippi on the Public Service Commission. You can reach him at1-800-637-7722 or at brandon.presley@psc.state.ms.us

The 8 Party Line - the First Facebook

People have become less discreet in their conversations. With the advent of cell phones, we’re privy to a lot of personal chitchat whether we want to be or not. In the checkout line at the grocery store or at the post office, everyone within earshot gets to hear about Aunt May’s arthritis, Susie’s boyfriend problems or that big catfish cousin Bob hand grappled down on the river..

 I was in the video store not long ago, minding my own business as I always do. As I approached the horror section, a man with a cell phone glued to his ear was delivering a hellfire and damnation sermon to some poor lost soul on the other end of the line. I suppose I can understand the desire to preach the gospel while standing in front of video jackets for “Saw 2” and  “Jeepers Creepers” but  it still seems to me that soul saving is something that really ought to be done on a face to face basis. 

When I was a kid – a few years back, folks were much more discreet in their telephone conversations, even though no one had even dreamed of such things as cell phones, picture phones and text messaging back then. Everybody was still tethered to the wall of their home by that old black rotary. I can still hear those rolling clicks as the wheel was dialed and if your finger slipped, you had to hang up and start all over again.

But you ask – why were people so cautious in conversation on their own phone, in their own house?  Because of that wonderful community service provided by Ma Bell; the eight party line, a kind of primitive Facebook.  Back in the old days, up to eight households had to share a phone line. When anyone on that line got a call, the phone rang in all eight households. Every family had their own personal ring code so that everyone knew who was receiving the call.

 Our personal code was two short rings together; a sort of a Stone Age version of the personal ring tones available now on cell phones. (My daughter likes to play with my cell phone and she changes my ring tone all the time without telling me. One day, it’s the “William Tell Overture” or “Brown-Eyed Girl” and the next it’s a charming version of "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy”.)

The eight party line served several purposes in a small community, not the least of which was as an unofficial bulletin board. If you had some news that you wanted to get out quickly, simply call someone on another eight line system and say something like; “I wouldn’t want this to get out, but--”.  By noon you’d  receive a call from your cousin three towns away asking “when’s the baby due?”

And the party line was the primary source of entertainment for a lot of people. As a child, my neighbor was a widow lady. Ms. Katie didn’t know how to drive which was just as well as she couldn’t afford a car anyway.  She was a very hard working lady who lived on a small fixed income and she had to watch every penny.  Her entertainment choices were pretty limited. Every afternoon, she would take a break from canning vegetables or yard work to relax for a while. After watching the trials and tribulations of those poor folks on “The Edge of Night" and “The Secret Storm", she would turn the television off and quietly pick up the phone for some real entertainment.

I would often visit Ms. Katie after I got home from school and find her sitting on a stool next to the phone with her hand over the mouthpiece and a big smile on her face. She would shush me and wave me in to sit on the floor or in an old vinyl chair covered with cigarette burns until the conversation lagged enough for her to lose interest. She would then regale me with tales about the love life of the teenage girls up the street or who was being harassed by bill collectors. For her, this was the juiciest gossip there was, and she didn’t even have to leave the house to hear it.  For me, I felt a little sinful about being a party to this. I guess that’s why I kept coming back every day.

Progress changes everything and the eight party line went the way of black and white TV and full service gas stations. Ms. Katie lost her primary source of entertainment and I don’t think she was ever quite the same again. She’s gone now.  I think about her often and I wonder if she could have dealt with all this new technology; cell phones and the internet and such. Probably not. But if she were still with us, I know what I’d do. I’d buy her a nice soft padded stool, set her up right there in the lobby of the Post Office and visit with her every afternoon so I can find out how Aunt May’s getting along.

w mccully

Take Your Wife Hunting...Really?

I have written about the trials and tribulations of fishing with my wife; about all the work and preparation that goes into such a trip, only to spend all my time tying on new hooks, untangling poles and pulling fishing line out of the trees where she is always trying to catch those flying fish.

 I apologize. I’ll never complain again.

 I realize that she just wanted to spend time with me. There are some men who spend more time with their fishing and hunting buddies than they do with their families and sooner or later they will suffer for it.

My ol’ pal Terence is such a fellow. He’s an avid hunter and fisherman. During the hunting season, he spends every spare moment in the woods. Last year, I guess his wife got more than a little tired of it. When deer season first opened last fall, he jumped up ready to bag his first deer. When he walked into the kitchen that morning, he found the coffee already brewing and his wife sitting at the table, working on her second cup. He was more than a little surprised by this because she liked to sleep late but he was even more surprised to find that she was dressed in camouflage from head to toe.

“What are you up to?” he asked her.

She smiled and informed him that she was going hunting with him. After a fifteen minute debate over her lack of ability as a huntress and sportswoman, he realized that he was never going to make it to the woods by sunrise if he didn’t agree to take her along.

By the time she got through putting on her eyeshadow and packing her purse with essentials like hand cream, lip gloss and low-carb candy bars, it was almost daylight. When they got to the woods, he placed her in the deer stand closest to the road. “Now if you see a deer, take your time, aim carefully and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear your shot.”

Terence headed deeper into the woods and figured he’d have several hours of undisturbed hunting because he knew she would have trouble hitting the broad side of a barn much less a moving animal. But as he started to climb into his own tree stand, he heard a shot; then several more and he decided he’d better go back. He returned to find his wife in a rather agitated state. “What ya shootin at?”

“Nothing,” she replied. “I just wanted to get your attention because I need help getting down. I gotta go to the bathroom!”

After that little matter was taken care of, she got back into the tree stand and she swore she wouldn’t shoot again unless there was really something to shoot at. Terence returned to his stand and was just settling in when he heard more shots. Then a few minutes later, he heard more. Grumbling, he climbed down and headed back once more through the woods. As he got closer, he heard his wife screaming, “Get away from my deer!”

He took off at a run when he heard more shots and again she’s yelling, “Get away from my deer!”  Surely a pack of coyotes or even a panther had happened upon her kill and was trying to drag it off. But he was surprised to find a young man standing near his wife’s stand with his hands in the air. The man was obviously upset as he said, “Okay, lady, okay!! You can have your deer but please let me get my saddle off it before you field dress it!”

Fellas, don’t let this happen to you. Don’t spend all your time hunting, fishing or playing golf. Make some time for activities that your wife and kids can participate in on equal footing with you; like shopping or movies or even horseback riding, (as long as it’s not during deer season.)

Protecting the Public Interest - Really?

I probably don’t have as much sympathy for the homeless and destitute as I should. That’s not easy to admit but it’s true. I was in Wichita, Kansas last winter and a homeless man came up to me on the street. He had on a new insulated coat, new blue jeans and new tennis shoes, all obviously provided to him by a local charity. He was leading a small dog tied to a string and a sign hung around his neck that said, “Homeless, Please help!” He asked me if I could give him a hand because he was broke.

I said, “You’re not broke - you’re even. I’ve got $5000 in credit card debt, a twenty year mortgage, two car payments, a payroll to meet, four to five years of college tuition looming on the horizon and I’ve gotta pay my own health insurance. I’m broke- you don’t owe anybody anything!” By the time I got through with him, the man tried to give me $5 before he wandered off down the street.

Now I’m not totally unfeeling for those in our society that need help, but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed because we are slowly but surely killing the middle class of America. – just a little bit more everyday. We’re taxing and suing and fee-ing and regulating it to death. Currently our President is saying that we should tax the rich even more to provide all these things that we think our government ought to do for us. The wealthy in this country may or may not be paying their fair share but contrary to what some politicians want you to believe, there are too few of them to matter when it comes to paying the bills. The poor can’t pay their share so it mostly falls upon the middle class.

I’m just afraid that in our attempts to provide everything to everybody, to protect everyone from every possible evil, (even our own stupidity) and our desire to always hold someone else responsible for our own troubles, we have found ourselves standing over the golden goose with our foot on her neck and a hatchet raised in our hand ready to strike. We want all our ills cured, all our needs met and all our pet causes justified – RIGHT NOW. We are no longer a country ruled by the majority but by special interest. We are ruled by their threats. Any group with a cause says, “Give us what we want or we’ll talk bad about you and take you to court for years and years where you’ll have to validate parking and spend your weekends looking at some lawyer’s briefs. And it’s all justified because it’s done in the name of “Public Interest.”

One person in Des Moines loses his job or suffers embarrassment because someone discloses his medical records and more regulation is put in place that adds ten dollars to the cost of your next doctor’s visit. Soon these costs get so high that more & more people can’t & won’t pay it, which causes the bills to increase even more for those who can. All done in the name of public interest.

Politicians smooze the elderly and promise them the financial moon at the expense of the next generation’s retirement and financial security. All done in the public interest.

The government provides grant after grant for housing, utility assistance, and workforce training not to mention public education- without any real expectations of improving the lives of those who are receiving the benefits. - All done in the public interest.

NAFTA carried wave after wave of jobs out of the country to escape excessive regulations and high labor costs but the consumer sees no corresponding decrease in the costs of these now foreign goods. All done in the public interest.

New regulations bring new regulations to deal with the problems created by the first set of regulations. This breeds new industries that serve no productive purpose but to deal with the quagmire created by new regulations, - industries that then crave even more regulation as a revenue source. All adding their cost to our everyday bills and all justified in the name of protecting the public interest.

I recently got one of those class action suit form letters from a law firm. If I joined the class action suit, I would receive an $8 discount on a book from the publishing firm that was being sued. In fine print, it was noted that the lawyers were receiving in excess of three million dollars “for protecting the public interest.” I hope that most people realize that these litigation costs aren’t borne by the company being sued or coming out of its executives’ pockets but are simply being passed on to the consumer; whether it’s a book, a pack of cigarettes, a fast food meal, a trip to the doctor or an insurance premium.

With all these groups and politicians out there “protecting the public interest,” I wonder why so many people are feeling less secure today than ever. I’d like the opportunity to protect my own interest for a while – from the trial lawyers, bureaucrats, disloyal industrialists and political demagogues. If not, my sympathy for the homeless will likely increase over the next few years as I may soon be one of them.

W. McCully

Zukes Aplenty!!!

Another news story got my attention over the summer. It seems that somewhere in North Dakota, thieves stole several thousand onions from a farmer’s truck patch. They stripped the field completely. Now the only reason this story caught my eye is because of all the produce that most gardeners have around here in late summer. By the middle of July, most folks can’t give a tomato away and if you’re known to grow zucchini squash, people will actually cross the street to avoid you for fear that you’ll force a grocery sack full of the stuff into their arms.
My friend “Roop” almost went to jail because of zucchini squash. He once tackled a young man running down the sidewalk because he thought he had mugged the little old lady who was chasing after him with what looked to be a club in her hand. Come to find out, she was trying to give him a big ol’ zucchini to take home to his momma. The kid was going to press charges but Boo finally agreed to take the zucchini in lieu of jail time.
Living in an area of such surplus, it’s hard to imagine anyone going to the trouble of garden thievery. Maybe there was a little snitching out of the watermelon patch in years past, but nothing major like stripping a farmer’s field. There just isn’t any need to steal produce in this part of the country. Most folks who wouldn’t put a quarter in the collection plate on Sunday are generous to a fault when it comes to their garden vegetables.
The South is the only part of the country where there are such prolific vegetable gardens. We have the weather, the space and the tradition that produces the finest crops in the world. Just a generation back, a big garden was a necessity and people are still in the habit of planting more than they need. Purple hull peas, butterbeans and green beans have been the staples of the southern diet for generations now. Before television, sitting on the front porch in the evening, shelling peas and butterbeans was family time. Parents and kids actually talked to each other. One of the best evenings I’ve ever spent was shelling peas with my wife and daughter. We were all actually in the same place together doing the same thing which is pretty rare anymore.
Gardens are a lot of work and a lot of people don’t want to work that hard. I‘m always full of enthusiasm every spring when I plow a garden, but by the heat of July, I’m pretty sick of the whole thing. I let the grass and the bugs take over by then and look forward to school starting. But some people are even worse than I am. My brother always plants a patch of corn every year; much more than the family can use so we often try to give it away. I’ve offered corn to people and have actually been told that they are considering several offers and that I would need to sweeten the deal a little. The neighbor down the road had offered to pick and bring corn to them but if I would shuck and silk mine for them they might be interested. I’m just not that generous. But I will make a deal with you. I won’t bring you a grocery sack full of bell peppers & okra if you won’t bring me any zucchini. How’s that?

OPEN SEASON ON POLITICIANS

Like most people, I’ll be happy when these elections are over. The politicians are in rut and running wild across the landscape in search of their one & only desire; your vote. It seems locally there are more people running for office than ever. The population of politicians may be getting larger than our environment can support. This is why I am advocating that in the future we remove the responsibilities of the election process from the Secretary Of State’s Office & put them in the hands of an office that knows how to deal with such matters; the Mississippi Department of Wildlife, Fisheries and Parks.
Let’s look at the facts. If there is any department of state government that has been efficient and done an excellent job over the years, it has got to be the MDWFP. If they could run elections half as well as they manage the hunting and fishing seasons here in Mississippi, the whole process would be much more bearable to the general population. In fact they could structure many of the regulations just like the ones they already have in place:
Seasons: Season opens six weeks prior to the date of the primary and closes one half hour after sunset the day prior to the primary. Season opens again two weeks prior to final election as most voters will have already chosen their candidate & excessive political activity is simply annoying to the voting public and may cause depletion of their population. Politicking out of season is considered a felony and the offender is subject to a fine of $2000 or one year imprisonment.
Voting License: A voting license may be issued to any resident over the age of 18 who has not been convicted of a felony and who knows the name of at least one candidate for each office for which they intend to vote. Those who do not know such information must attend a Voter’s Education Course. No license will be issued to non-residents.
Voting Hours: Voting may begin one half hour prior to sunrise and must conclude one half hour after sunset.
Bag Limits: Voters are only allowed one vote per office per season. Votes may be cast for either sex. Voters who exceed these limits are subject to fines & imprisonment.
Decoys & Bait: The use of decoys in the form of religion, children’s welfare, and tax cuts are legal but are discouraged unless the politician has no other manner in which to obtain votes. Bait in the form of bribes, driveway gravel, changes in zoning restrictions or free rides to the polls are illegal.
Politicking from Roadways, Vehicles and Boats: Is allowed with certain restrictions. Political signs on roadways must not obscure intersections or the signs of other candidates. Signs for individual candidates must be removed from the roadside within one week of the election. Signs remaining after this period will be collected by county or city employees, shredded into confetti and strewn about the candidate’s yard after midnight on the 10th day after the election. Politicking is allowed from cars, vans, buses, boats, planes and horse drawn vehicles during daylight hours but the vehicle must be in motion.
Vote Scavenging: Scavenging votes from old voter rolls, old folk’s homes and cemeteries is illegal unless a list of such voters is also provided to opposing candidates so as not to place such voters at risk of violating previously stated bag limits.
I think by turning this all over to MDWFP, we could eliminate a lot of the headaches and costs of the election process here in Mississippi. There’s just one problem. We’d probably have to vote on it.