I’m afraid I’ve reached that certain point in my life; a milestone of middle age that all men dread worse than prostate exams and ear hair; a sign of the aging process that can’t be hidden with a toupee or a botox injection. I have finally reached the “droopy drawers” stage of my life.
My pants and yes, even my underwear just won’t stay put anymore. The gravity that’s been working aggressively on various parts of my body has now attacked my britches. My pants bag around my backside looking for any excuse to drop a little lower and drag my BVD’s along for the ride.
Now a fellow might think that all this bagginess might be coming from a loss of mass in the posterior, allowing for more wiggle room in the standard pair of khakis or jeans, but unfortunately this is not the case. Most men my age could stand a little less baggage back there, but believe me, guys, while this is one of the few areas you do want to shrink as you get older – it ain’t gonna! No, the problem is coming from the other direction.
The late great Lewis Grizzard called it the “two-bellies”; a condition that men seem to suffer from as they reach their forties and beyond. The two-bellies (TB for short) almost always appear in conjunction with droopy drawers and is most likely the cause of this sad sagging situation. If you’re not sure that you suffer from TB, let me provide some instructions for self-diagnosis because the medical profession refuses to recognize this or droopy-drawers (DD) as actual medical problems. All they’re going to do is put you on a low-fat diet and tell you to eat only those things that have the taste and texture of cardboard or Styrofoam packing peanuts.
These ailments are most obvious in the standing position. I suggest you wear a white t-shirt, your favorite pair of khakis and a standard belt. Place the waistline of your britches in the standard position and tighten the belt - one more notch than you usually do. Now, look in a full length mirror. What do you see? If there are two distinct bellies; one north of the belt and another south, you’ve got the TB’s. To further verify your condition, sit down and stand back up. Turn around and view yourself from behind. If the seat of your pants is in close proximity to the back of your knees, you are also suffering from “Droopy Drawers”.
What has happened is that your waistband slipped below belly number two when you sat down. This is a design mechanism built into most trousers to keep their integrity intact and to prevent the top button from popping off with such force as to put out an eye or break a window. But by slipping below belly two, the seat is also lowered and the result is of course “DD”.
Some men try to overcome the effects of “TB” and “DD” by raising their waistline above belly number one to a point just below the neck. This is called high pants or “HP”. This actually rejoins the two bellies into one and produces a nice rounded shape in the midsection. However, it does seem to be only effective when wearing polyester pants and white socks with sandals and the general consensus of opinion is that “HP” is even less attractive than DD.
Most of us go through life after forty, adjusting and hitching up our britches and shorts every time we stand or take a few steps or when we suck in our bellies when we see a pretty girl. It’s just a fact of aging that we have to deal with; like stray hairs growing out of our foreheads at the same time our hairline is receding.
There is no easy cure for “TB” and “DD”. Do a hundred sit ups a day and eat cardboard or deal with the symptoms by hitching up our pants and going about our business – or -- switching to dresses – but most of us just don’t have the legs for that.
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